Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You need a sexual gate keeper
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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