Can i not drive my cunt home
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize