i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
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