i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Send help, water and tortillas.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
last night I used snow as a chaser
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
