we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
