there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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