Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Randomize