now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
