just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
