last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize