I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
