Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
