I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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