i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
