Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize