She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
