Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
