I wanna passion pit in your ass
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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