Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i was born a porn star she said
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm just crazy horny about you
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
