farters have to be the big spoon...
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
