I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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