my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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