the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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