I hate all girls vehemently.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
