I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
