Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
