I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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