Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize