I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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