Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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