what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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