I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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