Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
