Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
