She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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