is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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