Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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