About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
