when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
