My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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