I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
So much rum. So many feels.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
