my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
