This is not my ceiling
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
So I just went to clothing optional bar
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
