Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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