So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I look better un-naked...
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
