All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Randomize
