Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
