I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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