corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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