he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Randomize
