How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
