My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
