C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
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