Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
