Sponge bath it is.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize