Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I fill condoms, not promises.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
