I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
