'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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