he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
