He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
