I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
