just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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