My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
