Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
whose parrot is this?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
