I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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