this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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