The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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