I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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