I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
