just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
