the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
