I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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