Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
