talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
