Are we in a gay sports bar?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize