We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
